You know what bothers me

Sometimes, in my deepest moments of arrogance, I like to pretend that I am, in the sheer audacity of my narrow-mindedness, one beyond my years. But then stuff like having HIV and knowing actual people who have turned tricks for drugs, and still being in college under a three year program at the age of 23 reminds me how categorically stupid and incredibly naïve I still am. What really bothers me, though, is that despite all these things, I still crave for a life of aimless drug abuse and sexual promiscuity. The mere thought of it sends hundreds upon hundreds of volts across my whole system. After fighting myself, tooth and nail, for this organized productive and moderately successful collegiate life that I am close to finishing, the life I used to have then is all I feel that can really make me happy still.

Myself back then should give myself now a talk

I remember someone asking me if I still manage to surprise myself.

Yesterday, a friend wanted me to see a picture of a guy he was dating in this dating site, which asked me to login. I have already forgotten I used to have an account with them two years ago but the site thoughtfully reminded me. So what I just did was to reactivate that account. I left it activated and tonight I got an email telling me that someone from that site sent me a message. I was wondering how exactly someone took interest in my profile when I haven't really filled it up. I thought that deactivating it would scrap the profile I used to have. Turns out, it was still preserved from when I deactivated it.

When I read the profile a few seconds ago, I was totally shocked at how much I had more grasp of who I am then, how spot on my profile write up was. Because if I would've written on now, I would've probably done something very brief and cryptic. That's how I am to myself nowadays, a mystery, which doesn't actually surprise me. What surprised me was the me back then that had a very clear understanding of myself. If this is the direction I am heading then I should be bothered. Or I guess it's only natural that the more the I grow older, the more vague every detail seems, that line between black and white fades into a broad gradient of gray.

Oh and yeah what better time for this than my birthday, right? Thank you God. Thank you playful Fate. Thank you taunting universe. I get the joke. Now can we all have a moment to laugh? So we can all finally move on.

I like it though. A little self-doubt sometimes can be good.